From where do I start? It still feels so unreal. From August itself I was feeling the symptoms but was too scared to do the test as I was just recovering mentally from our previous loss . . Then finally on 12th September, Friday, after returning from work, I rushed to the bathroom and did the test. I was very very sure the test was going to be positive but still those couple of seconds till I see the results my heart had stopped beating literally. The results came out positive. As I said I was very sure. I ran to PK & showed him the stick. When he heard my steps running from our master bathroom to living room he was scared thinking what has happened, why I am running? I just showed him the stick. We both were in shock. PK said not to get excited too much, the positive results can be from my previous pregnancy too. The thing is I never got any period after my D&C and here we were again seeing positive pregnancy results. I was excited, happy and scared too. Too many negative and positive thoughts were running in my mind. We decided to wait for a week and do the test again.
The week went by, in between my doctor called me to check how I was recovering from D& C and also how I was at my emotional health. I did the test again and decided to see the doctor. He did the blood tests and confirmed the results are not from previous pregnancy. Still, PK & I did not know how to react to this news. The doctor did quick ultrasound and congratulated us but neither PK nor me said “thanks” to him or accepted his wishes. I don’t know how to describe our state of mind at that time. There were no hugs between me & PK, no celebrations. We were just numb.
The doctor asked us to come back in couple of days for another blood test to see if my HCG numbers are doubling. After the test, next day I was returning from work when I received phone call from doctor. I was still on the train. Hoping for good results I answered his call but the news wasn’t good. MY HCG numbers had gone down. This happened last time as well before the miscarriage news was confirmed. The doctor was saying all encouraging words like have faith, it was too soon to try and all that.. I still remember sobbing on the train and as soon as I reached our car where PK was waiting to pick me up, I cried so hard. I told PK that I am not that strong to go through this second time. That was worst night of our lives.
Next day we went to the doctor again to get copy my blood results. That morning I puked before even brushing my teeth and I thought – the symptoms should disappear by now or should start to decrease atleast.. So we went to the doctor, I remember I was an emotional mess that day. Doctor said sorry and he gave me the ultrasound reference so that the second miscarriage is confirmed too & we can take action what to do next. Go to the hospital or wait for it to happen naturally.. Those were the days when PK & I were feeling like the hell has broken down, feeling guilty that why even we got close without protection just after a month of our previous loss.. I was feeling like a murderer literally, I just couldn’t face myself.