…those 12 bucks

I am thinking a lot about this incident and doubting myself a lot. I sometimes feel very guilty, I sometimes think that I have done something that is not at all in my personality, I have shown one of my very close friends that side of me which is not mine. I just did that in anger, in tiredness, in my selfishness, I don’t know why I asked for 12 bucks?? Sometimes, to make myself feel better, I evaluate the whole situation & I try to prove to myself that whatever I have done, I am right. Even PK thinks I am right, he tries to boost my confidence but somewhere in my heart I don’t feel good. What happened is probably very silly thing to write on the blog but looking at the state of my mind since last two weeks, it will be good that I write it down here and maybe feel bit lighter then.

So, my friend “Kittu” who lives very close to us took the initiative to arrange bbq getaway. Everything was arranged on whatsapp girls group and everyone participated equally. That get-together was success and we all had fun. While doing the preps, Kittu & I went for all shopping related to the party. Kittu also purchased her personal groceries which I paid for as she forgot her money in the car. It was not big deal for me because anyways we were going to do calculation later.

Next day when we were going to the destination, we took a break at service station where we both shared a snack & she purchased her personal item, paid by me as her husband was standing far away. Again, I did not mind spending few dollars for her personal stuff but this was clearly a “show-off” as I know her nature of showing people that she is a diva!!
Anyways.. so the bbq was over. Next day on the same whatsapp group no one came forward to share the expenses. Because I & Kittu went for shopping, I knew that Kittu had spent the most. I also knew that she will not come forward asking everyone to share the expenses. So, just to be fair to her and everyone, I took the initiative and asked all the girls on the group to calculate their expenses & share the amount. The calculations were done and everyone agreed to the amount to be transferred to Kittu. I also had to transfer the amount to her but because I paid for her personal groceries I sent separate message to her saying how should we do our expenses? We have bbq expenses, your personal groceries expenses & a service station break expenses.

This service station break expense was the one which is giving me headache. I was not at all feeling good including that small amount in the calculations but when I asked PK, he said “What is fair is fair. Why should I pay for her personal thing? I would rather buy you something than paying for someone’s show-off. She always shows attitude and takes advantage while talking sugary sweet things”

There has been previous incident with Kittu and her husband when we went for movie. Her husband bought discounted tickets for all of us but when PK asked how much we have to pay for tickets to them, her husband asked for full amount rather than discounted amount. PK just transferred them money without arguing. Her husband has habit of eating a fruit in the supermarket & not paying for that as it’s already eaten. Same thing Kittu did when we went for shopping. She ate a pack of chips & threw the bag away without paying. Then, there was an incident couple of years back when the bbq party was arranged at our home and while cleaning up a cooking spray was left at our home. I don’t remember finding it but after few days Kittu told me that another friend was saying all the leftover stuff was left at our home & they did not got to take it back with them as the expenses where shared.

I was so shocked. You know the feeling when you know that behind your back you were called a thief for a freaking two dollar cooking spray!!!

When it comes to arranging a get-together, it’s always my house. Never, ever, anyone comes forward and says let’s do it at my place this time. Even if we are going for outing in day time and have to go at someone’s place for tea, games & rest, it’s always my place not anyone else’s. Even this time, I did not invite anyone at my home after bbq outing, I came & sat in the car quietly. When PK came after 5 minutes, he said we are going at our home or Kittu’s place. I was feeling like, this time maybe Kittu & her hubby will take everyone at their home. But on the way, Kittu’s husband told PK, everyone is coming at your place. I was fuming but can’t say no to friends!! PK and I had to stop on the way for a while to use a washroom. When we reached home, everyone was there except Kittu’s husband & one of other couples. When I asked where they were, Kittu replied they have gone to see Kittu’s house. I was thinking – “If they can take one couple to their home to show them house, why they asked everyone to wait on our driveway? Can’t they say “heyy lets all go to our place, will call PK & TP as well to come there directly” I know the main reason why no one wants to take the friends home. Because they want their house be clean, no efforts to serve tea-water anything, just go to other person’s place eat, drink, play & go back to clean home & sleep. I won’t say that they don’t help me when they are at my home but host has to run more than others and after they leave there is definitely some work left to do.

That day also, all after returning from bbq, they all wanted to prepare food for their kids. One of friend’s mum prepared khichdi for Kittu’s daughter but after sometime Kittu said the daughter doesn’t likes this consistency of khichdi. There was cat fight going on on what does their kids like. She asked for grinder and grinded the khichdi, then again said no, her daughter won’t eat this khichdi. She likes khichdi of her style only. She then again made khichdi from scratch out of which her daughter ate 2 spoons and I threw the rest away. Then there were chaos in the living room, making dinner for all 10-12 of us. Everyone calling me give me this, give me that. And in all that another kid started throwing up on our sofa, 2 buckets of stuff. I will not say how expensive our sofa is & how much PK takes care of his sofa. There was chaos, I was running like crazy bringing towels, tissues, clothes and stuff. The MUm & kid went to clean up & take shower, the bathroom became mess. Then to help me another friend started cleaning & kept asking me where, how, what questions. It was all so over whelming for me. PK & other boys were sitting outside not knowing what’s going on in living room. They thought we all are having fun time.  Anyways…

So, yes back to the calculations. Kittu asked – we just spent for snack & my thing at service station, isn’t it? How much was it? I replied yes, 12 bucks. She was clearly angry & disappointed with me and started sending me big calculations back to back and calculated the whole 12 bucks as HER expense and finally asked me to send her my bank details so that she can transfer the money to me.

Areyy, why did you count whole 12 bucks as your expense, we will share no, I said. To which she replied – we are a like family only, will you calculate 5 bucks for a small snack as well?

I didn’t know what to respond. I was feeling bad. I should not have calculated those 12 bucks. This small amount has now managed to create a clash between me and my friend. Also, it shows that how selfish I am, I wanted to share the expense of small snack while Kittu could bear the cost. This morning she transferred the money & even sent me confirmation receipt. This all sounds so formal between friends. Why sending me receipt as a proof?

I will send her money back and also will let her know that I was just being fair and honest and calculating everything that we spent for that bbq day. I am feeling so little in front of her that I can’t afford to pay for my friend’s snack?? PK keeps telling me that Kittu is just trying to make me feel guilty by saying & doing all this. If she was fair & honest, then her morals would have told her to come forward & remind me of her personal expense that I paid for. She is just taking advantage out of me.

I feel ashamed. I don’t know what is right?? Being fair & honest in money matters OR taking your stand and not let anyone take advantage you?? Now when I read this post, I feel so bad that such a small thing, just few bucks were able to shake our friendship and were able to make me feel so little in front of my friend 😦

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49 Responses to …those 12 bucks

  1. greenboochi says:

    I agree with PK only. She is trying to make you feel guilty TP. I dont know what else to say 😦 If you feel bad for making her feel so, she should be feeling worst – looks like thats not the case. I wont say – Dont run behind her for whats not your mistake. Do what your heart tells you to do. I know you are a very nice person and cant stand your friend feeling bad. Hugs.

  2. Smita says:

    Chill!!!! There is nothing wrong in being fair & I agree with P.K. she is just trying to make you feel guilty…From what you have written about her she totally fits into the bracket of one of those people who take frnez for granted and are self centered!!!!! Chill ma….don’t send the money back if she can be petty about that spray then she has nothing to complain about

  3. aprawriter says:

    Hi there! I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now :). I have to agree with PK that you did nothing wrong! I have also had such experiences in the past when people try to take advantage of the situation. Hope everything gets sorted out with your friend!

  4. star says:

    Hi TP.. There is nothing wrong in what you did. Infact it will strengthen your friendship in the coming days. They will know that you are fair in any calculation and will respect you for that and not take you for granted. If you had allowed this now, then they will always expect this from you. In money matters it is better to be frank. If you had not told this, your mind would always be thinking of the same. You can just transfer that 5 dollars or whatever is your share and explain that you would like to buy your own stuff (only if this disturbs your mind) or just gift something to her later on.

  5. Praktan says:

    I think what PK says completely makes sense!
    Money shud never come in-betwn frndZ
    but as i dont knw wht ur equation is wid ur frnd
    if she has paid for u in d past n has never asked u to pay her back, den d whole situation changes!
    but to b honest itZ her who shud b feeling guilty for not paying u back as soon as possible w/o u even asking her!

    • Exactly.. money should never come between friends but this time it has and that’s why I am feeling very bad. No, she has not paid for me in past in fact I can think of other incidents when I paid for our shared food but I will never ever ask for share if I have paid for someone’s food.

  6. ‘PK keeps telling me that Kittu is just trying to make me feel guilty by saying & doing all this. ‘ PK is cent percent right. And you know the answer as well – being fair & honest in money matters OR taking your stand and not let anyone take advantage you.

    The thing is it would have been okay if Kittu and her husband were not naturally kanjoos. Sometimes they paying for your snack/or anything and sometime you paying for them is quite natural in friends, but going by your post this doesn’t seem to be the case, so it is alright TP. Stop belittling yourself. But i would have done the same :(. We emotional fools.

    By the way I am somehow feeling relived after reading the experience of get together at your home that we don’t have that big friend circle in Delhi. Because we are bound to go through same you know, knowing my emotional self and TBH’s bigheartedness.

    Anyway chhoti baat hai, zyada mat soch. If you want just re transfer the amount and send something like I don’t want a meager sum creating any misunderstandings between us.

    • This is the thing – paying for food/snacks for someone, I don’t have any problem, I will never ever count money and ask for share. Ulta friends me yeh sab chalta hai. But paying for someone’s luxury item, just because she wants to show off, I don’t think it is fair but again such an emotional fool I am, I would never want to ask for that money as well 😦

      Our previous get-togethers used to be adults only. Now everyone has started their family and they all have got 5-6 months old kids. This was the first one with kids, It was fun when we were outside but at home, it was like a fish market.

      Yes, doing that today 🙂 Thank you dear 🙂

  7. ohho.. don’t feel bad. She’s just trying to make you feel guilty for nothing. Ignore her and remember, you did nothing wrong.
    If you were not calculating all the balances, you would never ask her for that 12 bucks in specific. When we make a list of expenses, it just adds up, I don’t see any wrong in doing that.

  8. Smitha says:

    Hey , very very frankly and from the heart : I have seen a few people like her and I would suggest to ignore the bad feeling that you have. She does not deserve it.
    I was really irritated when I read abt them not holding the events at their house.
    Hmmmmmph. Dont give the 12 bucks a damm.

  9. Ramesh says:

    Interesting point you brought up. In India, for small amounts I would not have brought it to the notice of friend. Classic example, having Chaat+Chai at cafeteria with friends/colleagues, 1 guy typically picks up bill, this works in rotation basis and is understood by all. If I see that some guy is *consistently* avoiding to pay bill, then I would have pointed it out. But I guess in America/UK/Aussie, everyone has to pay even for slightest purchase while going out with friends.

    • No no no.. not for slightest purchase Ramesh. If it is food/snacks expenses, be it in India or in Australia, I would never ever ask for share.. come on its just food..
      But this time it was spending for friend’s luxury item that too for her show off.. using my money..
      Again, the calculations were in 100s of dollars, these 12 bucks just added on as we were calculating for whole day trip expenses… if it was just 12 bucks maybe I would not have counted that..

  10. Divya Deepak says:

    Hi TP.. I feel that people who take advantage of you are not your friends. So there was nothing wrong in you taking a stand. Anyway, you probably feel better having gotten that off your chest! 🙂

  11. Been there says:

    Been there, done that. No shame in asking for folks to share expenses, no matter how small. But yes, I have decided to avoid the headache of asking people to pay back in the first place. After being through multiple situations where I spent money for a group event, and no one bothered to ask me what their share of the cost was, and I felt awkward asking people to pay back, I decided enough was enough. I no longer offer to pay for a group as I did before. But I make sure that I promptly pay my share and make sure everyone else also knows that they need to pay the person who paid for the group.
    As for your friend, she has no right to taunt you and make you feel guilty. She is not taking into account how much you do for the group by inviting them to your place and cleaning up after them. She has no right to act all superior. She is the one being selfish and inconsiderate. Not you.

    • yes, true true.. very true.. I also feel burden when I have to pay back to someone or if I know someone has spent their money for me.. I just try to pay them promptly and feel relieved..
      thank you so much for your comment dear.. I feel so much lighter now..

  12. Jazz says:

    Hey TP.. Don’t at all feel guilty.. I really liked star’s suggestion, you can transfer her your share.. If you apologize, they ll do the same again

  13. Pooja says:

    First of all stop feeling guilty. Its fair to ask and unfair on her part to not pay.
    About your friends always camping in your house , Why dont you suggest that everyone takes turn to host every1 else. You dont have to be rude to say this. You could just say ” Its been ages we havent had a gettogather at YOUR place” and at that gettogather put forth the idea of taking turns . Trust me Ihave been there done that. From the time my daughter was 4 months I have been hosting ppl. Its lot of cleaning after every1 has gone.

    • Next time I will try that trick Pooja and thank you for the supportive comment.
      You have done it when your daughter was 4 months?? I can completely understand how much work we are left with after the friends leave.

  14. D says:

    Honestly, you guilt etc would have been fine had Kittu been a really genuine and good friend. But after reading your complete post about your friends, especially how this one generally behaves, I guess you should not be blaming yourself at all!! She is just trying to make you feel guilty..nothing else…had she been a genuine person she would have never sent you those calculations etc at the first place, even if she felt bad about it. So just chill!! Its not worth to spend so much time and energy over people who have no intentions of understanding you at the first place…I have learnt this by experience…

  15. Deepa says:

    She does not seem like a good friend. You know, I had a “friend” like that who used to use me and be inconsiderate, once I helped her out for an event at her place and she yelled at me as something did not seem right for her, here I am spending day and night trying to help her out without a single “thanks” from her and then she had to shout at me. I just left quietly and cut off all my ties with her. She still has a dress that I let her borrow and costume jewelry worth $300, I just let that go too, it is a small price I paid to get rid of her from my life.

  16. liliputs says:

    Eh darling read the message in a funny way u ll feel it light… Its OK.. Good that u asked.. Think that they even Asked for movie tickets… Move on man don crib. U asked she felt bad for which she should not. I am totally annoyed at their behaviour.. They ll eat and ll not pay in shop. I am hell shocked at their morale first of all. Next time if any one puts a plan say them boldly that TP ll be in for the party if it s ur place and put forth saying I am bored to have fun in my places and why not some one else.. I ll tell u instead of taking too many things in head u and Pk would have enjoyed that evening relaxedly.. Ppl I say.. Cheer up buddy…

  17. Always do what you think is right at that time . True friends will stick forever.

    You know I am bad in collecting money after parties . I even wrote a post after a friends baby shower party few months ago where I ended up spending a lot and some of them didn’t even bother to ask. I wonder why some people are insensitive to others money. Your friend seems to be one of them.

  18. My friend and I never exchanged money. But if I paid for lunch once, she would pay the next time we met for lunch without even asking. In such cases, it is perfectly fine to not talk about money dealings. But in this case, I think you did a good job of reminding her of the purchases she made at the gas station.

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  20. Bikramjit says:

    did my comment go through 😦

  21. Bikramjit says:

    not sure what happened

    One word I would say IGNORE..

    if you send back the money , then she will say something to that and things will keep rolling on. Forget about the incident and next time when with here let her buy her own stuff and you buy your own… I sound bad here but sometimes that is the only way.

    That is how the white people work and Truly so thats how it shud be.. There are only a few people in life with whom it does not matter who spends how much and when.. I have been at places where my friend has spent all the money and the next time too ..

    So chillax , and NExt time when a group plan is made , DONT offer to have it at your home do it a couple of times , let them find a new venue soon hopefyully they will realise.

    Where i lived earlier I had a big garden, and I am not boasting but any time a plan was made it was 99.9% my place just because I had a big garden and everyone could sit and adjust , sometimes I felt bad as I was left to do all the dishes and clean my garden when everyone left .. but i carried on , Now the new place i have shifted to has a small garden not big enough for everyone.. so for the last 7 months we have not had a get together , only met at pubs etc . they all realise now and do come out with the comment as it use to be good when i had my old house ..

    going by experience there is NO SHAME in doing the math’s, why should one spend more and some less, perfectly agree to everything being written even if it a small thing , if it is a group sharing it Everything needs to be added and then divided among all equally.

    dont let it bother you.. Wait till i turn UP I am going to make you SPEND more than the 12 bucks on all that food that I am going ot eat 🙂 he he he he

    • If I would not have returned her money back I would not have been able to sleep.. it would have become a big burden. I returned her share and now feeling so relived.

      You know what happens Bik, no one comes forward and then at the end PK asks everyone to come at our place.. many times when boys go for beer shopping or pizza shopping, other boys go around in the shop or stand behind PK and out of courtesy PK pays for stuff.. at the end we all friends share the cost but no one wants to pay whole amount out of their pocket !!

      Areyyy aap aao toh sahi… We are waiting for that day !!
      Like I said spending on food is not big deal its just when friends take advantage & buy their personal stuff 😦

      By the way.. its been very long time. I read about your health, I hope you are keeping well now & everything is okay.

  22. I understand your frustration , TPL..a snack is one thing but a luxury, personal item is something you don’t have to pay for. Maybe you have already returned the money and are feeling better now. If not, dont worry about the whole friendship thing. She can’t guilt you into paying for her stuff. You atleast know her true colors now and can be more cautious in this friendship
    \

  23. anisnest says:

    I would agree to PK’s stand.. money and friendship are two different thing. It is always better to be strict in money matters no matter how close the person is to us.. Imagine the same situation with both of your roles reversed and the incident repeating multiple times.. 12 will add up to 120.. So, its better to resolve money matters then and there to have a healthy relationship.. I usually don’t judge people but from what you have said I also kind of fee that she is taking advantage of you.. throw away that guilt from you.. What you did is 100% correct..

  24. Nehaa says:

    Hey.. juss read ur blog…. n it is quite something!!!… no comments actually!!! bt i wil still comment cz m free 2day 🙂
    So … wud u belv d exact same thing happnd to me … 740 rs .. which is like 12 bucks($)..
    Coincidence!!!!!!!!!!!! wont u say? … i wish i cud blog abt it..

    neway ..So my frnd (lets call her ‘Sz’ (pronounced as Zee) made me read ur blog. it is so, tat shes a big fan. now at first, i wast willin ..coz i dislike readin n writin…but thn the name intrigued me (awesome choice btw)
    bt mainly bcoz Sz made me read it 🙂

    So Gud luck to u Keep Postin!! will let Sz knw tat i have read n liked 🙂

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