Below is the raw draft I had written on 4th July, just to remember all the minute details about the good news that I wanted to share with you all.
9th June 2014
We went to Costco to buy milk. Usually we do not do grocery shopping from here. While looking at the groceries I saw pack of 3 big loaves of banana breads in one pack for I guess 12-15 AUD. I knew we cannot eat that much banana bread, also with the travel coming up its impossible to finish these loaves n loaves of banana bread but I couldn’t control my craving and took the banana bread pack to buy. PK was explaining to me its not worth buying this much banana bread for just 2 of us but I couldn’t resist. I kept the pack back in the aisle and got so upset with PK that I started crying in car. PK was shocked to see me crying so much for the food. He took me to the cafe, bought me huge slice of banana bread. Just the smell of bread made me so happy. I ate it as if I have never eaten that before, smiled so much that I finally got my banana bread. I was one happy girl that evening.
13th June 2014
We reached Cairns, bit relaxed, bit worried about PK’s job. I had missed my period, I kind of had an idea why I have missed my period. We bought the pregnancy test kit from nearby supermarket after having lunch. Did the test & boom it was positive. We hugged each other, had a bit of a cry but decided not to get over excited till we get it confirmed from doctor.
14th July to 18th July
I just cannot stop eating. Waking up at 6.00 AM and rushing PK to go downstairs in nearby café to have breakfast. I even cried because of hunger pangs while waiting for breakfast to arrive. Scrambled eggs & toast are my favourite. Oh and I am going crazy with the smell of banana bread & any watery fruit like water melon & honeydew.
18th July evening
Came to know about Mum’s health. Too much stressed.
21st June, Saturday
Went to the doctor, got the blood test done.
24th June, Tuesday
Got the results, confirmed the pregnancy. Another blood test to check HCG & progesterone.
25th June, Wednesday morning
Results are good but progesterone is very low. Have to start supplements.
25th June, Wednesday evening
Doctor called to advise increase the dose of supplements. Specialists are worried & saying progesterone is very very low.
All this while, PK is giving interviews, we keep checking Mum’s health.
28th June, Saturday
30th June, Monday
Doc called to advise the results are looking good, not to worry but go for Ultrasound.
1st July, Tuesday
Went for Ultrasound. Cannot see anything. Just small sac of 4 weeks 6 days instead of 7 weeks old fetus. Doctor said maybe we are off by couple of weeks because of my PCOS and my irregular monthly cycle. Doctor asked to wait for couple of weeks and go for another Ultrasound to see baby’s heartbeat.
I had written all this in the draft. This is what happened next:
17th July, Thursday
We went for ultrasound. I was bit worried but was trying to keep myself strong and positive. Only thought in my mind was – “I want to hear the heartbeat of my baby. No one can stop me from that. I have never done any harm to anyone intentionally, why would God punish me. If I will be positive, I will get positive news only.” PK also kept saying everything will be alright. But God has different plans for us. We could not see the baby, we could not hear the heartbeat. The baby never grew after our first ultrasound. My heart literally broke. With uncontrollable tears in my eyes, I asked the sonographer if I can get the scan results then and there so that I can rush to my Doctor. Even though it was 5.00 PM, closing time, still the sonographer gave me the results. PK & I called the doctor, he was happy to wait for us till we reach his clinic. I guess he already had an idea of what had just happened. All the time while on the way to the doctor, my tears wouldn’t stop, my head was spinning, I was praying to God to please, please change my scan results, please show us some ray of hope to save our first baby. The doctor checked the results and said “I am sorry, we have two options now, wait to miscarry naturally or get D & C done” After that I don’t remember what happened because my brain & heart literally stopped working. I remember only one thing when we were already back at home. PK hugged me and cried a lot for 15 minutes. Seeing PK in that condition was like dying another death same day.
21st July, Monday
I decided to be strong, wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. As soon as I entered the office with my puffed eyes, I started feeling dizzy. I went to the kitchen to fill my water bottle, our COO came to congratulate me. Apparently, my manager had just given my pregnancy news to him so that he knows why I am not involved in office move very actively. I already had tears sitting in my eyes and his wishes made my tears roll out. Uncontrollably. He was so shocked to see my reaction. I was crying, bawling and sometimes feeling choked. He tried to console me, I passed my day somehow. Again, it was very difficult day at work. I worked from home next day.
23rd July, Wednesday
I had a small baby in my tummy who was no more alive. The baby was not ready to leave my body. I wish had some miracle to make him alive again. I wish I had a power to bring life into my baby even if I had to give away my everything in return. I woke up to these thoughts everyday. It was emotionally drenching. It was very hard to live like this. We went to the doctor, he said it looks like my body is still thinking I am pregnant. I took the hardest decision of my life at that time to go for D & C so that I can have a closure and we can move on. That whole day was spent in hospital getting more tests done & getting confirmations that there was no hope left.
24th July, Thursday
I got D&C done. Our first baby is in heaven already.
25th July, Friday
PK is sitting next to me looking for jobs. I have started working from home. We both are trying to move on but still coping with emotional pain, supporting each other when one of us becomes weak. Maybe this is what God had planned for us. This was our destiny. We couldn’t do anything to save our baby. Even though he is not with us physically but he will always be our first baby and we will always love him till our death.
Our Valentine’s days will never be the same as before because our baby’s due date was on valentine’s day 2015. We only have memories left. I have a necklace & pendant which PK bought me in Cairns when we got positive pregnancy test. I bought PK a key-chain saying “P – World’s Best Dad” We clicked so many pictures to make our day memorable. I bought 2 stuffed toy fishes from Cairns as first ever toys for our baby. We already had selected names for baby. PK & I talked day and night about the baby. Planning the welcome of our baby, planning how to inform our parents. No one from both our families know about the pregnancy and miscarriage. I wish I had my Mum nearby so that I could hug her & share my feelings with her, I could share what I am going through.
I am feeling so embarrassed & guilty of being angry on my friend because she only talks about her baby and nothing else, because she is always busy with her baby & has no time for us. I should not have been angry with her. Now, I know what a baby means to his/her parents. I am sorry my friend.
I am not even daring to proof read this post, I don’t have that much guts. I know this has been a very long post, I know this is a very depressing post, I was contemplating blogging about this but I have always been very honest here. Forgetting about such big loss and typing out other posts and commenting on other blogs as if nothing ever happened, I can never do that. You guys have been with me in all my thick & thins of my life, your support always helps me in moving on with my life. Please give hugs and kisses to your babies, give them as much love as you can, they are so precious, no one can match their presence in your life.