Would have become a Mum on Valentine’s day 2015…

Below is the raw draft I had written on 4th July, just to remember all the minute details about the good news that I wanted to share with you all.

9th June 2014
We went to Costco to buy milk. Usually we do not do grocery shopping from here. While looking at the groceries I saw pack of 3 big loaves of banana breads in one pack for I guess 12-15 AUD. I knew we cannot eat that much banana bread, also with the travel coming up its impossible to finish these loaves n loaves of banana bread but I couldn’t control my craving and took the banana bread pack to buy. PK was explaining to me its not worth buying this much banana bread for just 2 of us but I couldn’t resist. I kept the pack back in the aisle and got so upset with PK that I started crying in car. PK was shocked to see me crying so much for the food. He took me to the cafe, bought me huge slice of banana bread. Just the smell of bread made me so happy. I ate it as if I have never eaten that before, smiled so much that I finally got my banana bread. I was one happy girl that evening.

13th June 2014
We reached Cairns, bit relaxed, bit worried about PK’s job. I had missed my period, I kind of had an idea why I have missed my period. We bought the pregnancy test kit from nearby supermarket after having lunch. Did the test & boom it was positive. We hugged each other, had a bit of a cry but decided not to get over excited till we get it confirmed from doctor.

14th July to 18th July
I just cannot stop eating. Waking up at 6.00 AM and rushing PK to go downstairs in nearby café to have breakfast. I even cried because of hunger pangs while waiting for breakfast to arrive.  Scrambled eggs & toast are my favourite. Oh and I am going crazy with the smell of banana bread & any watery fruit like water melon & honeydew.
18th July evening
Came to know about Mum’s health. Too much stressed.
21st June, Saturday
Went to the doctor, got the blood test done.
24th June, Tuesday
Got the results, confirmed the pregnancy. Another blood test to check HCG & progesterone.
25th June, Wednesday morning
Results are good but progesterone is very low. Have to start supplements.
25th June, Wednesday evening
Doctor called to advise increase the dose of supplements. Specialists are worried & saying progesterone is very very low.
All this while, PK is giving interviews, we keep checking Mum’s health.
28th June, Saturday
Blood test.
30th June, Monday
Doc called to advise the results are looking good, not to worry but go for Ultrasound.
1st July, Tuesday
Went for Ultrasound. Cannot see anything. Just small sac of 4 weeks 6 days instead of 7 weeks old fetus. Doctor said maybe we are off by couple of weeks because of my PCOS and my irregular monthly cycle. Doctor asked to wait for couple of weeks and go for another Ultrasound to see baby’s heartbeat.

I had written all this in the draft. This is what happened next:

17th July, Thursday
We went for ultrasound. I was bit worried but was trying to keep myself strong and positive. Only thought in my mind was – “I want to hear the heartbeat of my baby. No one can stop me from that. I have never done any harm to anyone intentionally, why would God punish me. If I will be positive, I will get positive news only.” PK also kept saying everything will be alright. But God has different plans for us. We could not see the baby, we could not hear the heartbeat. The baby never grew after our first ultrasound. My heart literally broke. With uncontrollable tears in my eyes, I asked the sonographer if I can get the scan results then and there so that I can rush to my Doctor. Even though it was 5.00 PM, closing time, still the sonographer gave me the results. PK & I called the doctor, he was happy to wait for us till we reach his clinic. I guess he already had an idea of what had just happened. All the time while on the way to the doctor, my tears wouldn’t stop, my head was spinning, I was praying to God to please, please change my scan results, please show us some ray of hope to save our first baby. The doctor checked the results and said “I am sorry, we have two options now, wait to miscarry naturally or get D & C done” After that I don’t remember what happened because my brain  & heart literally stopped working. I remember only one thing when we were already back at home. PK hugged me and cried a lot for 15 minutes. Seeing PK in that condition was like dying another death same day.

21st July, Monday
I decided to be strong, wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. As soon as I entered the office with my puffed eyes, I started feeling dizzy. I went to the kitchen to fill my water bottle, our COO came to congratulate me. Apparently, my manager had just given my pregnancy news to him so that he knows why I am not involved in office move very actively. I already had tears sitting in my eyes and his wishes made my tears roll out. Uncontrollably. He was so shocked to see my reaction. I was crying, bawling and sometimes feeling choked. He tried to console me, I passed my day somehow. Again, it was very difficult day at work. I worked from home next day.

23rd July, Wednesday
I had a small baby in my tummy who was no more alive. The baby was not ready to leave my body. I wish had some miracle to make him alive again. I wish I had a power to bring life into my baby even if I had to give away my everything in return. I woke up to these thoughts everyday. It was emotionally drenching. It was very hard to live like this. We went to the doctor, he said it looks like my body is still thinking I am pregnant. I took the hardest decision of my life at that time to go for D & C so that I can have a closure and we can move on. That whole day was spent in hospital getting more tests done & getting confirmations that there was no hope left.

24th July, Thursday
I got D&C done. Our first baby is in heaven already.

25th July, Friday
PK is sitting next to me looking for jobs. I have started working from home. We both are trying to move on but still coping with emotional pain, supporting each other when one of us becomes weak. Maybe this is what God had planned for us. This was our destiny. We couldn’t do anything to save our baby. Even though he is not with us physically but he will always be our first baby and we will always love him till our death.

Our Valentine’s days will never be the same as before because our baby’s due date was on valentine’s day 2015. We only have memories left. I have a necklace & pendant which PK bought me in Cairns when we got positive pregnancy test. I bought PK a key-chain saying “P – World’s Best Dad” We clicked so many pictures to make our day memorable. I bought 2 stuffed toy fishes from Cairns as first ever toys for our baby. We already had selected names for baby. PK & I talked day and night about the baby. Planning the welcome of our baby, planning how to inform our parents. No one from both our families know about the pregnancy and miscarriage. I wish I had my Mum nearby so that I could hug her & share my feelings with her, I could share what I am going through.

I am feeling so embarrassed & guilty of being angry on my friend because she only talks about her baby and nothing else, because she is always busy with her baby & has no time for us. I should not have been angry with her. Now, I know what a baby means to his/her parents. I am sorry my friend.

I am not even daring to proof read this post, I don’t have that much guts. I know this has been a very long post, I know this is a very depressing post, I was contemplating blogging about this but I have always been very honest here. Forgetting about such big loss and typing out other posts and commenting on other blogs as if nothing ever happened, I can never do that. You guys have been with me in all my thick & thins of my life, your support always helps me in moving on with my life. Please give hugs and kisses to your babies, give them as much love as you can, they are so precious, no one can match their presence in your life.

 

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41 Responses to Would have become a Mum on Valentine’s day 2015…

  1. Jay says:

    Hugs, dear. 😦

  2. I’am so so sorry to hear this TP….. I have been looking at the comment box for the last 5 mins and no words are coming out….. Hugs to u sweetie…. Just be strong and hang in there …… Sending u prayers and loads of good wishes…

  3. Santulan says:

    It take immense courage to go through, what PK and you are going through.. Hugs.. You’re strong.. Hang in there.. Anyway I can PM You?

  4. I’m so so sorry to hear this. Lots of hugs to you. Stay positive. I’m sure you’ll be able to conceive again. Sending lots and lots of good vibes to you.

  5. Smita says:

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    With no update for so long I was getting worried and was about to tweet you!!!

    Dunno what to say….just be strong this too shall pass!!!

  6. greenboochi says:

    Hugs TP. More hugs.

  7. summerscript says:

    Tight Hugs dear. Loads of love and Prayers! Hugs Hugs!

  8. Maya says:

    Hugs, TPPL. I don’t know how to console you. All I can say is just hang in there. May God give all the strength in the world to deal with it!

  9. Gayatri says:

    Dear TP,
    Hugs!! I don’t want to share any platitudes but hope you and PK have the courage and strength to hope for better future. It might help for you to share your anguish with close relatives if not your mum maybe your sister. It might help lighten your heart. Good luck.
    Gayatri

  10. June was indeed a hard month for you TP. I am so sorry for your loss.
    Just be positive and try to recover, good times never stay away for long. Stay strong dear.

  11. I am so so sorry, TPL. Lots of hugs. This happens to so many women and you are not alone. Your baby will come soon and will play with the toys. You are so loved by PK and your family. Savor this love as few are that blessed. Before you know it, the time will be right and you will have your baby in your arms. Again lots of hugs.

  12. Sruti says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your loss 😦

  13. Tharani says:

    Hugs TPPL. Loads of hugs. Stay strong

  14. aarya says:

    Ohh TP…so much you guys have gone through…i just wish and hope better days are round the corner…a tight hug for you and PK…keep supporting each other…take care

  15. Divya Deepak says:

    So sorry, TP.. a big hug to you. Stay positive.

  16. I have been a silent spectator of your blog for last couple weeks. I am so sorry to hear your loss, but stay strong and stay positive. Hopefully things will fall in place sooner.

  17. NK says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Stay healthy and take care of yourself, allowing time for both your mind and body to heal. Miscarriages are fairly common. If there is one positive, at least you know that you can conceive and that maybe you need progesterone supplements to support the next pregnancy. My BFF had a miscarriage and went to become pregnant again within two months. She is now the proud mommy of a one-year old boy.

    I am a regular but silent reader of your blog.

  18. D says:

    Hey TP..pls do not be so sad….i am sure you guys will have a baby very soon. This happens, with many many people….infact this is kind of common these days, i had a miscarriage when i got pregnant the first time…but i conceived the very next month. lots and lots of hugs and hang in there…it will be fine soon…

  19. raji says:

    I am so sorry for your loss TP. Nothing can erase the pain, but please keep positive attitude and take care of your health.

  20. anisnest says:

    hugs TP.. this is terrible news and I could feel your pain.. Time is the best healer which can lessen the pain. hugs again and May God give you and PK enough strength to sail through this tough time.

  21. P says:

    A big tight hug. More strength to you and PK. Have no other words now..tearing up just thinking about it..

  22. Kalyani says:

    I just wish I could come over and hug you!

  23. seema3 says:

    This is really the worst nightmare anyone can have. Be strong!. I know it’s easy to say as you both are the ones going through the whole thing, it’s quite brave of you to blog about it.

    Hugs to both of u!

  24. Naimee says:

    Dear TP,
    Sorry to hear about your loss. Having had two miscarriages before becoming mommy to a beautiful baby, I feel your pain. I can only say, have faith and keep the desire of motherhood strong. Your wish will be fulfilled.
    Hugs.

  25. I really don’t know how to console you. It is very difficult to go through something like this. I feel so heavy reading this, can’t imagine how you must have gone through all these.I don’t think any words could replace your loss. I just pray that you and PK get enough strength to sail past this tough phase. Hugs!!

  26. Viji says:

    I usually don’t comment on blogs.. I was crying with you on this one.. Stay and be strong and my best wishes for the future.

  27. curiousmom says:

    Tight hugs tppl….
    Been a silent reader but couldn’t stop myself from posting after reading this post…wish u happy times ahead!!!!

  28. S says:

    I can only imagine how difficult life must be for you now. Hopefully, things will look up soon. Lots of love and wishes.

  29. Bhav says:

    Hi TPP,
    I have been a silent lurker but cudn’t stop myself from commenting on this post…I wish I had words to make your pain less. I pray that you are not hard on yourself and be strong.

    Cheers,B

  30. mydesilove says:

    Been a silent reader for so long.. lots of hugs TPP xxxx

  31. Jazz says:

    Omg TP, I so want to hug you dear 😥 please stay strong, you can definitely try again, it means that your body is ready for conceiving.. I don’t have much knowledge on these too dear, but take care and trust in God.. We are in ttc too TP, me too missed my period and got a positive on home pregnancy test but I’m waiting to get a confirmation from the Doc to share the news, I have an appointment for next month and I’m just feeling scared and uneasy till then, just hoping for the best..

  32. Thisisme says:

    well..honestly..i dont know what to say here! It really saddened me to think of the emotional ups n downs u went thru.
    It reminded me of my very close friend…hers is quite a depressing story..but she had 4 miscarriages after marriage..though she took all care but still it happened…after that..she had her first born in the 5th pregnancy n had a lovely daughter…and after that went on to have another son as well 🙂 ..though she faced a lot of issues in her both pregnancies…but all in all..after few yrs..its all now good 🙂 that should give you hope as well…:) hope it does!
    Keep urself positive and nothing is an impossibility!

  33. Deepa says:

    (((((Hugs))))) to you sweetie. I don’t know what to say. Hope god gives you the strength to brave through this.

  34. sjscribbles says:

    I haven’t been reading blogs for a long time now. House moving, internet setting up , full time job and stuff, I just read an entire list of your blogs in one go. My heart aches, TP. Please can you send me your e-mail id, immediately. TP. sjscribbles@gmail.com.

  35. TP I am sorry to read this news but i would suggest you to do something with this PCOD problem as there is a surgery you can go for and it will be cured and the chances of conceiving rises after the surgery.

  36. Spoorthy says:

    Hi Tp,
    Please dont worry…even i went through the same situation when i conceived for thr first time and i had be rushed to the hospital as i was having bleeding in office and then had to go thhrough D&C. I was torn apart…but things will change..with a yr i could conceive and now have daughter 5 yrs old. So sometimes these things happen….See this baby was naturally not strong enough to survive in this world. So nature did not select it. Its better to suffer now rather than have some uncurable diseases and you will as parents and the baby struggle. SO God always chooses the best for you. Keep hope…….will keep you in prayers….

    spoorthy

  37. Ada says:

    OMG! So sorry TP, I firmly believe that all things work together for our ultimate good if we believe and although it might not seem that way now, God will definitely wipe your tears and reward you with so much happiness. All the best dear and you will remain in my prayers.

  38. Smitha says:

    I have been putting off from commenting since I read this post a few days ago. I want to console you but I do not know how .
    I can imagine how difficult this phase of life is, whenever something bad happens I try to think that good is on the way. Hugs.

  39. Sending you a warm hug. I have shared some tears with you whilst reading this. Your baby is certainly in heaven ❤

    Prayers, love and kisses
    Lauren xxx

  40. Neeli says:

    hugs n hugs n hugs to u TP & to PK! 😦 no word can heal the loss u have experienced. All i can say is don’t loose hope, courage and strength! Love u… hugs hugs hugs……….

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