Heart to heart – On family values

It was my Mum & Dad’s wedding Anniversary on 1st of June. As per our family tradition, Mum & Dad got ready in the morning & went to Dadaji’s room to seek his blessings. Dadaji expressed his wish to go for a day trip with whole family to celebrate their anniversary. In minutes the message was passed on to all bhaiyas, bhabhis & kiddos. Everyone got ready, snacks & picnic bags were packed and by 10.30 AM all 18 (just one bhaiya-bhabhi at home as some construction work is going on) family members were all on road in two four wheelers. I called my Dad to wish them for anniversary at that time only & I could hear everyone talking on top of their lungs in all excitement asking each other did you packed the sauce? Did you pack the badminton? Did you pack the mat? I was still on phone and I heard this –
Kiddo 1 – Bade Papa, songs chalaao na, CD doo??
Kiddo 2 – Oye abhi tu betha hai na, thodi der ke baad main bethunga window seat pe..
Bhabhi 1 -Mere baal thik hai? Jaldi jaldi me banaye hai.
Kiddo 3 – Oouch, mere upar pair kyu rakha hai, mere shoes.. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Papa – arey chup ho jaao sab, gaadi chalane do, disturb ho raha hai.
Kiddo 1 – Sshhhh…
Kiddo 2 – Sssshhhh..
Kiddo 3 – Sssssssshhhhhhhhhh……..
Kiddo 4 – sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………..
Everyone including Dad – Ssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………

Then everyone started laughing. I just couldn’t stop laughing on the phone. After I hang up, I was feeling so left out, it was Sunday, PK & I were at home and after hearing everyone’s voice I was feeling more lonely in my big quiet house. Again when Dad sent me pictures of him with my another sister & brother, I was like the picture is missing me & the sister who just got married 😦

I was remembering those days when there was some celebration in our house. On their respective anniversary day, Mum-Dad go to seek Dadaji’s blessings, bhaiyas & Bhabhis will get blessings from dadaji and then from my Mum & Dad. On birthdays as well all younger ones be it kiddos or bhabhi or bhaiya will first seek the blessings of elder ones in the morning & then start their day. On exam result day, all kiddos first seek blessings from Dadaji, their parents & then get their results. When the kids come home with big smile on their face with their report cards in their hands, Dadaji give them a big proud hug and take them to the bank to deposit money in their personal account as “congratulations & well-done” gift. Now that all kids have grown up, they all have a habit of saving money and depositing in their account. The money girls get on Rakhsha-Bandhan, all kids get on Diwali, any savings they have collected they all take it to the bank every 6 months or yearly. They get so happy when Dadaji tell them that he will round-up their money amount. Like if a kiddo has 3700 Rupees as savings, my dadaji will round it up to 5000 Rupees and then ask them to deposit in bank. How cool is this concept eh? Savings bhi, good habit bhi and no waste of money bhi.

My Dad also told me that they had plan of movie & dinner for that day, the bookings were done as well but Dadaji expressed his wish for picnic, he did not knew about their plan so they just cancelled the movie & dinner bookings. It made me so happy how everyone’s desire & wish is given importance in my family. My Dad said Dadaji is in mood today so we better go today, we can go for movie some other day.

At that moment I just remembered what my family values are. What my parents have taught me. What my reality is. What my upbringing is. The reality is I am from a family who live together, who laugh & cry together, who support each other, share happiness & sorrows with each other, where we respect each other, give space & privacy to each other, buy small gifts for everyone, take big-small decisions together, there is nothing like – “this is mine and this is yours” everything is ours. No jealousy, no competition among each other.

Getting married, moving to a new family, moving to a new country, living with husband with no family members around, the only 2 elder people in in-laws family even with them I am not on talking terms since last 6 months, there are so many changes that have happened in my life in last 5 years. I can sense the feeling of competition and comparison while talking to my in-laws family or even PK’s extended family. In similar situation like above, my in-laws family would have start giving their opinions on what to do, where to go & never agreed with other person’s plan.

For another example, if Aunty in Ahmedabad purchased a microwave, the news will spread like fire – “Hello Maami, you know Aunty bought a microwave. Hello Chachi, you know Aunty bought a microwave” I sometimes feel like asking them have you never seen a microwave in your life or what?? Oh & then MIL calls us also to inform us about Microwave. So we buy her a microwave & then she will call everyone in family & say “I have also bought a microwave!!” It is just pure jealousy & competition. It’s ok till we are not involved in all this but when I come to know that they talk about us to take out some information about our life, I get angry and I start hating them. Like the other day, PK’s cousin asked MIL – “What car does PK drives??” It gets on my nerves, I feel like screaming in their ears – “LEAVE US ALONE”

Things are totally opposite in in-laws family. Hence, I sometimes get scared that I will forget all my values and become a cruel person who hates everyone. Like the other day, my neighbor was taunting me on whatsapp that the stray cats are looking very sad & complaining that TP & PK are not feeding us properly, they looked very sad. At that time, I just laughed it out and told her that I will send the cats to her & she disappeared from whatsapp. Later, I was feeling so angry that even though jokingly she was blaming us and insulting us, who is she to complain?? I was feeling like clicking picture of cat food & sending to her saying not to worry we know cat’s timetable & we know they are happy and satisfied. Its none of her business. I did not do anything that day but few days later I was still feeling angry so I just told her that now you guys also have guests in your front yard, birds that are eating insects from your ugly weeds & dead plants, they don’t look happy!! Again, just after clicking sent button, I realized this is so not me. This is such a childish behavior.

My Mum would have told me “Just because she has low standards, just because she is stooping so low, does not mean you also have to behave the same way, then what will be the difference between you & her, just leave her & next time don’t reply to her message” Even PK was telling me to just leave it, but me being angry me, thought I have to stand up & give her back.

Living with PK for these many years, I have learnt from him to not let anybody mess with you. Be so strong that the person should be scared to hurt you. I tried being strong & indirectly told my neighbor not to worry about “our stuff” but instead of instant reaction, I told her few days later when the issue was already over. I really struggle in situations like these. I cannot give them back at that very moment.

That’s why I was telling PK, I learn from every situation but then that situation never repeats so I don’t know when to use the theory that I have learnt in earlier situation?? Confused?? Well.. I am too and that’s why this post.

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9 Responses to Heart to heart – On family values

  1. magic says:

    happy anniversary to your parents…:)

    sometime’s its happens you know… i too many times wont give back that moment and later when i realize i regret that i should have given back at that point of time and leave it sigh…:)

  2. Bikramjit says:

    ahh my grand-dad did that, I use to get pocketmoney in college and end of the month he would say how much have i saved and whatever i saved he would round it up and put it in my bank and then give the pocketmoney for that month.. 🙂

    I was greedy I took pocketmoney from my Grand-dad, Grand-ma, My dad and My Uncle 🙂 I am sure they all knew that I was taking from each one but then never mentioned .. each of them was like dont tell the other 🙂

    I am sure you wont forget anything .. and hey calm down.. learn to ignore things .. why are you wasting your time on such things they dont deserve to be given another second.. 🙂

    and your mum would have told you the right thing..

    my friends call me tubelight because I will suddenly remember 3-4 days later this happend or that happened and then i would get angry .. but age and time has brought grey hair now and a bit of grey matter , I dont give a damn anymore ..

    so chillax .. get ready .. get into your car and go for a long drive.. you live in a country which is so beautiful and so much space for long drives… 🙂

    Take care

  3. Wow,TPL..I have never experienced living in a joint family but your description sounds like so much fun. And both your families are so different..its amazing! Oh is this same neighbor who told her baby you don’t come to see him? Why is she now commenting on the cat feeding bit now? Or a different one??

  4. aarya says:

    TP…I loved the part about your family and family values…it reminds me of my wonderful family and I understand the jealousy and competition as well because I have some similar extended family members. I will only tell you to take everything in stride. Let people be good or bad, taunting or teasing, you can’t control them. But you can control yourself, right? I say don’t give any importance to such people. Maybe give benefit of doubt to people like this neighbor. Maybe it was her lame attempt to be funny. Forgive and forget.
    zyada preachy ho gaya na?
    Chalo, if you are really angry at her, just call her ‘gadhi’ once, I promise you’ll feel better. Works for me. Everytime. 🙂

  5. I hear you TP. Though with all possible similarities I also face some differences on value system amongst both side of families. I believe our values are defined with kind of upbringing we had. No doubt reading about your big joint family touches us at so many level, the love and care that is there is in itself a rarity these days and it is truly heart touching to know such families exist and live in total harmony in today’s world. But you know they all are family and closed ones. One gotta be tough for the outside world. I know it’s easier said than done but we gotta try. What PK tries to inculcate in you is I think on similar lines. Though we don’t need for react or give tit for tat on silly incidents like the cat one, but we need to be strong enough to not let such senseless remarks effect us in any way. I am also trying this at so many levels. Because like your mom says if we come down to same level, what difference would be there, I completely believe in this. Opining your views strongly is different than what we call muh lagana kisi ke. And then people like us don’t feel good even after answering back, the bad taste of the sour conversation spoils our mood further.

  6. Ada says:

    I totally understand where you are coming from even though I’m not married yet. My mum’s family is a lot like yours, everyone lives together and shares everything even when one of her brothers lost his job in another city, they started a business and built a new house for him in our compound. My dad’s family is a different story entirely and I feel very uncomfortable around them. Your mum’s words are true, never let the bad in others taint the good in you even though its very difficult sometimes.

  7. Thisisme says:

    the urge to give it back…esp to ppl who taunt us..is usually very strong! but i would stringly suggest u to let it go!! let that angry moment pass and it will all be good!! even i used to feel like answering back every1 but maybe with age have learnt to mellow down!

  8. I am not confused :). I guess I understood what you were telling..But then TP, there is no unique or different theory or such thing that you can apply to each situation. I think it is our belief and values within us that makes us react in certain way..:)..I don’t know if I made you more confused which I did not intend..

  9. D says:

    You are such a sweet girl TP…:) Believe me I am slao somewhat like you. There is always a huge difference between our own families and that of Husband’s. I have seen the same in my dadi’s place and nani’s place. Now in my own family also, Husband’s side of people ar entirely different.

    I guess we just need to be in touch with people we like. Listen to them, and try not to loose touch with your roots! You will definitely remain and grow into a better person…:)

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