Inlaws or Enemies???

So, about a year ago this incident happened..

During my last trip to India, when I was staying at my Mom’s place, to look after her as she was not keeping well, MIL use to call me regularly and she use to hear from me that some guest has arrived. Now, because I live in a joint family, there are always some or other guests at our place & since I was visiting India & Mom was also not well, many of our relatives came to meet us everyday.

When I returned to Sydney, MIL use to call my Mom & my Mom also, while talking to her use to tell her that she is busy & tired because of nonstop guests and all that… So, once my Mom just casually told to MIL that she should also take out some time & visit them.

The fact is that MIL likes to be “served” by my family, she loves to get gifts from my family & she loves it when all my uncles & aunties give her importance as she is my MIL. She also knows that when any guest comes at our home, my family is like all over them. All three meals a day will be three course meals, along with that teas, coffees, Milk shakes, snacks, fruits that are served like 24 hours. MIL has experienced this while she was in Surat, for couple of times and was impressed, also she had heard a lot about my family even before we got married.

So, as soon as my Mom told MIL to come to Surat (not seriously), she was so excited that she hanged up the phone saying that they will be visiting Surat for TWO-THREE days. MIL told this to PK & me on phone later in the evening.

I was so mad at MIL, I was thinking they know what the situation is at my home, my Mom is not well, there are already other relatives like my Dad’s 4 sisters & Grandfather’s 5 sisters visiting, they all are tired of the guests, they need to relax & also in all the guests visiting Surat, there were no one’s in-laws visiting, just all the daughters of the families were visiting. You can say the close family members were visiting and not anyone’s in-laws.

You all know how Moms & Dads always do the “seva” of their daughter’s in-laws. I did not wanted my Mom & my Dad & my family to get tired even more, so I told my MIL, “very politely” that “Mumiji, you can visit them later because they already have so many guests at home & my Aunties & my sisters are now tired, may be visit them next month when you go to Grand MIL & PIL”

She was Ok when I said that, she understood everything but next day she was so angry on me, she did not spoke to me, she shouted at PK – “Who is your wife to advise us whether we should go anywhere or not? Does she thinks that she is elder than us? Does she thinks we don’t have our mind to decide? Is she old enough to give me instructions? Blah blah blah….”

I apologized even though it was not my mistake, I did not wanted our relatives to talk about how my in-laws visited Surat when it was totally unnecessary. In our culture, in-laws do not visit each other frequently unless there is any function to attend.

Now, at that same time the bangles incident also happened. You can read it here. So, MIL was even more angry with me.

So, after few days my Dad called my PIL to wish for Diwali & New Year. So, during their general talk my Dad told PIL to visit them. You know how we say before hanging up the phone – “Chalo phir, milne ka plan banana, aana kabhi time nikaal ke” like that.

PIL told to my Dad – “Can you please stop saying this to us? Your daughter doesn’t want us to visit you in Surat, so it is better not to tell us. Your daughter does not like it if we visit you & if your daughter doesn’t like it, my son will also not like it. When kids are not happy if we visit you, why you keep telling us?”

My heart aches when I write this. Imagine my Dad’s condition when he is hearing this for her daughter. Is this the price my Dad has to pay for being my dad?? for being a daughter’s Dad?? My Dad just said “They are kids, don’t take their words on heart, I apologize on her behalf, if you want I will come and pick you up from Baroda” Pick you up???? What for??? Why??

I was so angry on my Dad, why did he listen to PIL?? Why did he apologised? And whatever may happen but Dad is not going to pick them up from Baroda. They only want my Parents to do their seva as I, their DIL, is not in India to serve them….

PK was also not happy, even today he says he will not be able to face my Mom & my Dad because of the way MIL & PIL have treated them.

In-laws want respect but they don’t want to give respect. They want importance, they don’t want to give importance. They want to be served but don’t want to serve when someone from my family comes at their place just for few hours, just to pick me up. They want gifts but don’t want to give any.

Just want to take this out of my system, I can never forget how MIL has insulted & complained on me to my Mom & how PIL has spoken to my Dad. I have decided that when they will be here in December and if they will bring up this topic, I am not going to leave them. They have hurt my Mom & my Dad 😦 😦 😦

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15 Responses to Inlaws or Enemies???

  1. chipmunk says:

    speak slowly girl!!!! else she will dance much more!!!! tell her if ur mil not feeling well and parents decide to visit u will tell the same words to ur papa and mumma!!! Pity for u ….god will show u a door too soon!

  2. Jazz says:

    Well, I believe that just because some people have weird expectations, we need not oblige. I hope your parents and you don’t spoil time thinking about what your MIL says.

  3. Jay says:

    Your post brings back the memories of ‘tamasya’ created by my in laws as well.
    It doesn’t help a bit when the father-in-law behaves like his wife’s sidekick. Coming from a family where the men are more composed compared to the ’emotional’ women of the house, it took me by surprise to see a man to behave even worse than any emotional lady I have ever met. Talk about culture shock!!

  4. Sia says:

    Hey girlie – Don’t worry!There is a reason they are in-laws and not parents! Our society is still thriving on lines if doing Damad (and his family) Seva, We can never change that! You just take a chill-pill..~Hugs~

  5. Dhivya says:

    Am commenting for the first time.

    My ILs also had expectations that my parents should call every week and ask them how they were and stuff like that. Our parents had nothing in common with each other and so they had nothing to talk. Even after that if my dad called FIL , it was more like an interrogation on what we (the couple ) were upto (We lived in Chennai closer to my parents and they lived in a smaller town far away). FIL will not think before he talks and will do the guys side act. This loose talk from him was upsetting my parents and angered me to no end. Unfortunately I used to show the anger on DH. After a while we decided that there was no reason for them to speak to each other. ILs were initially upset that the guy side was not being catered too, but after 5 years they dont say anything much. I dont know if keeping the parents away from each other is an option for you guys.

    Take care and dont bother to confront MIL cause it seems like it would add more fuel to the fire. Just ignore her and get your parents also to ignore her and lessen their contacts with her gradually.

    • After these incidents, the parents are kind of away from each other now.. but MIL’s expectations are still same..
      Dhivya, Thanks a lot for stopping by & taking out time to share your thoughts and suggestions 🙂

  6. Ours was a love marriage and my parents and in-laws speak different languages, and we follow totally different culture. I more we interfere it creates more confusion so last 2-3 years R and I completely stay out of these conversations/meetings. These days I come to know after they meet(mostly when they are in Bangalore), well there would be complaints but best thing is to ignore and move on. The more you think about it it creates more stress on you.

    Your dad is very wise person, you know something apologizing doesn’t make him a small person, rather it shows how great he is. When R and I fight , I cannot say sorry easily but he does though he knows it is not his mistake, that give me an opportunity to think how silly I am. I went through exactly similar phase in life, all I can say is you will get there where you can accept other person though there are not always right. Hugs to you.

    • Thank you LF, I know my Dad is a wise person but why apologizing to PIL?? Now if my Dad would have complained on PK to PIL, I don’t think PIL would have apologized..
      MIL & PIL just want to be happy & want to feel proud that their Samdhis bowed down in front of them.. I don’t like this thing 😦

  7. sjscribbles says:

    Dear TPPL (Easier that typing Tandooripanipoorilife 🙂
    Absolutely – understand how you feel, I’m an expert (thanks to the in-laws) in handling in-laws and in-laws behaviors as I have had so many many bitter instances with them (i can write a best seller book 🙂 )
    1. Best is to stay away as much as possible when it comes to in-laws and parents relationship, ultimately interfering will affect everyone’s relationship and leave a bitter taste…There is no way you can expect “in-laws” to be understanding TPPL..They are in-laws – not parents!
    As per their point of view – ” When they can have other guests coming though ur mom is not well..then why not us ?” question will linger in their minds , but not the thought of how difficult it will be for your parents..they can never understand that !
    2. Don’t ever confront them again on this issue..they will entirely blame you and frame you for ” advising them not to visit your parents ” just because you expected them to understand your parents situation…
    3. At the end of the day… Apologizing due to no faults of ours does the trick TPPL, afterall – wether we like them or not we will be seeing their faces all our lives…They are your hubby’s parents…and it going to affect PK’s relationship with them..If PK is not ultimately affects your married life ! Life has to keep going naa…

    • 1) If I don’t interfere than my parents will keep on apologizing even if there is not their mistake. I really don’t want that otherwise the in-laws will dance on their head 😦

      Other guests were only “daughters” of our family not the “damads” and “samdhis”, that is why asked them, I understand what you are trying to say, just giving you the idea of scene at my home.

      2) I will not confront them but I am sure my MIL will surely talk to me when she will be here in month and a half 😦

      3) Well.. PK also knows that his parent’s behavior is not right, PK is not happy because of them…

      totally understood what you are saying. PK & I and my parents have really stopped taking the in-laws taunts seriously, we just try to avoid if the matter starts to worsen..
      really life should keep on going… Thanks a lot for your suggestions, it feels great to get some suggestions from the experts 🙂

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