I really really want to say a big Thank You to all of you who have been coming here & reading me & commenting or even not commenting. I really appreciate that you spend a few minutes or few seconds from your 24 hours to read me. I am highly grateful to you all from the bottom of my heart.
I accept that I am not a very good writer, I don’t want to be one knowing that I have very basic English language knowledge & I have many grammatical errors or sentence formation errors in my every post. I don’t even read the post myself, I just keep on writing & then just post it.
I started this blog for one reason, that is to note down the beautiful memories of my life so that I don’t forget them after few years but it happened that I started to vent out my anger and negative feelings I have for my in-laws. When I look at last month’s posts I can see that most of them are angry posts where I have written my heart out about my MIL & BIL.
Believe me or not, I am not a negative person. I am not trying to give clarification for my negative posts, I don’t want to praise my own self here but I would like the people, who read me, to know that I am the person who likes to delete the bad memories in my life. I cannot react negatively or reply aggressively to anyone, I would rather ignore the situation & behave like nothing has happened.
Many times PK has forced me to reply back to any of the comments by the family or friends that have hurt me but I cannot. He has many times told me that “If third person doesn’t worry about your feelings, if they can hurt you then why you have to be scared that you will hurt them?”
Sometimes, BIL has back answered me very rudely & I have kept quite but after hour or two I have cried and cried and vented my anger out. Sometimes I have vented my anger out on poor PK, which he understands that I am actually venting out my anger on the person who has really hurt me. I really don’t have the guts to reply arrogantly to anyone. I am very emotional person, I cannot & do not ever want to hurt any person’s feelings because of me.
I wish I could change this, I really want to be more practical rather than being emotional. But being emotional is deep rooted in my mind I guess.
That is why when there are any issues with MIL, I cannot speak up. When the conversation with her are over, when I hung up the phone, I burst into tears, hug PK, cry till I am relieved and thus vent out my feelings.
Many times PK has asked me to act smart like my Mom. I am not saying that my Mom is very smart & intelligent than MIL or anything like that but PK himself has said that he has learned a lot from her, & I, even though I am her own daughter I cannot reply smartly. Reply smartly means reply whatever is in your heart but in the polite manner.
PK even explains me in examples. Here is one in his own words “If you are in India and you want to go out for a while, don’t ask permission from MIL, we know she will not allow you. Instead just say that “Mumiji, I am going out for a while, will be back soon because I know you need me here” that is it. This way you are doing what you want at the same time making her feel that you care for her”. How I wish that all the situations can be handles in this same manner L
The reason for writing all this is because I have noticed a difference in myself after I started this blog. I am a happier person now, I am happy when I get to converse with my virtual friends here through comments, I get to express myself fully without any fear of hurting someone’s feeling, I feel more relieved and relaxed and go back home as a happy person J
I was never been judged at my own home before my marriage but now I am being judged, there were many people in my family to talk to, friends to share with but here even though I have friends, they are not my childhood friends, they are my husband’s friend’s wives, even though I have people around me but they are not from my family. So, even though I have big groups here, I am still alone.
After starting this blog, I am able to analyse the situation with the help of comments. And able to come to any final decision whether it is regarding any situation or my feelings or thoughts. I am very bad at decision-making.
PK does not know that I have started a blog. I did told him that I am going to start one & I did discussed the name of the blog with him but when I started writing, I did not informed him. PK knows about each & every line I have written here but not by reading this blog but I have told him in words every day.
Sometimes I feel guilty of not letting him know about this but I think that once I have shared the posts with him, there will be discussions everyday about what I have written & then it will affect my writing because I will not be able to write my mind. It is not that I don’t want to share with PK but I want this to be my personal space to speak my mind & express my feelings.
Am I doing something wrong? Have all of you shared about your blog with your husband?? Will he be hurt if I will know about this blog after few months? I don’t know what to do… 😦