I Don’t Know….

… how to react when I get the bad news that my Jiju(42) has passed away leaving my (Mausi) Didi (38) & kids (14 & 8 years) alone.

I don’t know how to react when I get to know that the reason for Jiju’s sudden departure is suicide. Why he did not have any other solution of his problem? Why he did not worried about Didi and kids while taking this step?

I don’t know how my Didi will survive without him.  Few words she was able to able speak with me on phone while crying her heart out were “N, see what has happened, You know your Jiju, he was very strong person, why he left me alone in this whole world, I won’t be able to live without him, what will kids do, they are mad for their Dad, they need their Dad, I still believe he will come back, he cannot go away leaving us alone for rest of the long life, you say N, he will come back, right? He will come back, not for me but for the kids, right N?” I don’t know what to answer?

I don’t know how the kids will be able to live without their Dad. My mom told me that older one has even given his hair & he did all the procedures for his Dad. He won’t be able to enjoy his childhood, he will get matured in his very early age.

I don’t know what kids will answer when their friends at school will question “what happened to your Dad?”

I don’t know how to pass my every minute here.  I am not able to go to India when I need to be with her during this time. Why I am so helpless? Why I am so unlucky that our situation is not allowing me to be with her. Last time I was in India she traveled for 12 hours just to meet me, to see me, how I look after marriage, to ask me how my life in abroad is, how my life partner PK is.

I don’t know how she will live a colorless life when she loves to shop, she loves to dress up, she loves her make-up so much that whenever we go out together with family, she is the last one to finish her make-up.  She looks like a young girl. No one can say that she has been married for 15 years. She was the most romantic person I know. Jiju & Didi were a happy couple always taking care of each other.  I still remember that Didi use to tell me about her & Jiju’s meetings after their engagement, about their first kiss, about the first gift of Tajmahal made by Jiju & shipped to her, about her holidays, about their every weekends..

I don’t know how to keep my promise that the next time we will go to India, we will first visit them and we all will go for holidays with them. I never thought I will meet her in this situation the next time I go to India.

I don’t know whether she will be able to trust God anymore. She was the one who used to pray before meals, before sleeping while no one else in the family did the same. She is living in the joint family, we all know that they are nice people & they will take care of her but they cannot fill in the space of Jiju. Everyone but Jiju will not be there with her. She will be incomplete.

I don’t know why she has to suffer all this. Yesterday, she woke up at 3.00pm at night, opened her wardrobe, her clothes and make-up were falling from the wardrobe because she had shopped so much that she did not had space in the wardrobe. She was crying, looking at Jiju’s clothes, Jiju’s wallet, looking at her own clothes, showing clothes to everyone that this was gift from Jiju, she was going to wear this sari & this jewellery on the wedding they were going to attend next weekend, She started folding Jiju’s clothes, hanging them in hangers saying Jiju likes his clothes organized, while everyone else was crying, looking at her actions. She started shouting her lungs out that she do not want to live as widow, she wanted to live her life with Jiju, what about the dreams Jiju has shown to her, What about the promises they made to each other..She wants him back.. she wants him back..

I don’t know how Didi will be able to see her Sister in law getting ready, going out with her husband every weekend. Didi & her SIL are both like best friends, going together to the dance classes, computer classes, doing yoga together in morning then going for shopping, then to the designer and what not. How will Didi be able to do all this again? Will she be able to live as she used to live before?

I don’t know who will help her when she will wake up during midnight to go get water because she is scared of darkness.  She wants Jiju to help her when she is scared when there is no light for hours. She wants Jiju to sit with her and have morning tea together.  She wants Jiju to fight with her, love her, take care of her & kids, take them out….

I don’t know how she will be on festivals, birthdays, children weddings and so many functions & celebrations in the future..

God, please give them strength to cope up with this situation, please make Didi strong enough to take care of her own self & kids. May Jiju’s soul rest in peace and may he be always there with them whenever Didi & kids Miss him and need him. We will miss you Jiju.  We will miss you 😦

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13 Responses to I Don’t Know….

  1. Titaxy says:

    my thoughts are with you and your family. hugs.

  2. Mayborngemini says:

    Omg! That is really devastating news.My heart goes out to your sister and the kids and her in laws. I am so sorry for all of your loss

  3. MomWithaDot says:

    Yes, Life will never be the same again for her. May god giver her and all your family great strength needed now.

  4. swatimital says:

    I don’t know what to say. This is the most shocking thing I have read the whole week. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that God gives your sister strength to get through these difficult times.

  5. Pepper says:

    I will pray for her. God will give her the strength to move on.

  6. Pingback: Difficult times for her.. | tandooripanipurilife

  7. sjscribbles says:

    TPPL – My hugs and prayers to you family dear ! I wish she gathers herself up for the sake of her kids and moves on from this devastating juncture in her life…

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