On living with B.I.L !!!

Please note that it’s a very angry & sad post ahead… I had to pour down my heart somewhere before finishing my day and before starting my weekend so that I feel bit relieved and light hearted…

Had a big  fight with PK on Wednesday, did I told you that PK’s younger brother lives with us????  Yes he came to AUS a year and a half ago for his studies.. Sometimes this is the reason of our small or big fights.. no, no.. the reason is not that he came here but the reason is that I do not get privacy which every couple want & with which I was used to for 2 years after our wedding..

From PK’s point of view – PKB (let’s call PK’s younger bro – PKB) is his small brother, he has to support him till he finishes his studies and gets settled. He cannot ask PKB to move with his friends because PK’s parents will get worried. All relatives in India will start talking about this and I will become bad DIL of the family because people will think that I have given instructions to PK to ask his brother to move out with friends. The thing is when PKB decided to come here from India for his further studies MIL was very much worried for him because PKB has never ever lived without them alone, to send him in foreign country was BIG tension for MIL & PIL. So, PK asked them that he will help his brother till he gets settled.

I just want to ask everyone, is it wrong if I want to live with my hubby alone till we have kids???? I want to spend time with him. It’s not that PKB is always at home with us, he works night shifts & day shifts, he goes to UNI for his studies but still… at the back of my mind I am always in tension that anytime PKB will come and and open the door.. I cannot wear the clothes my choice because of this reason, once he said that he is going for his night shift and will be back next day morning… ANDDD…. he suddenly came home & opened the door when I was in my nightwear enjoying dinner with PK in living room while watching TV. I cannot wear that kind of nightwear in front of PKB… I just screamed at him to go out for a minute so that I can run into my bedroom 😦

He started helping us with household chores… We hang our clothes out in the balcony to dry & when they are dry I just take them and fold them or Iron them and keep them in wardrobe.. Now, once we were not at home and PKB was at home doing household chores, he took all our hanged clothes and folded them and kept them in our bedroom.I was so shocked to see this 1) There were my under garments in those clothes which I will never ever want any young guy be it be PKB to take them and fold them. I just cannot imagine PKB folding my under garments when he is alone at home 😦 It breaks my heart… 2) which young guy would ever do that?? 3) Helping in household chores does not mean doing this work as well, I can take care of my clothes please….4) I told PK to ask PKB to not touch my clothes from next time. After few months he again took my clothes and kept them in the room, why?? because he did not had any space to hang his clothes. Can he wait for us to be back home and ask me to take the dry clothes so that he can use the hanger???  😦

When PKB newly came to AUS, we started taking him out, he just used to run to the car so that he can catch the front seat with PK.. now being used to sitting with PK in front seat I just was not able to tolerate this.. I use to think sitting at back seat that it was my seat, though the scene has changed now, PK made this clear to PKB..I am back to my own seat no with my PK..

One more thing I would like to add here that we have even taken PKB for dinner with us on Valentines day, my birthday dinner, PK’s bday dinner and our anniversary so that PKB does not feel left out.. So, when can I celebrate with PK only?? no celebrations alone with PK???

PKB does not ever realises that we need privacy, he behaves as if he don’t know that me and PK are couple.. he behaves very childish…. but he is not a kid, he is 22-23 years old young guy… Even when he catches me & PK talking in eyes(actions only) he asks us both what we both talked with each other in eyes??? We cannot just talk in front of him..

Having said all this,  I,  by no means want to say that PK should not support his brother or I do not want him to take care of his brother or even I don’t want PK and his brother to be together.. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable to be around PKB… PK and me, we get very little time at home during week days after full day at work.. I want to spend some quality time with PK before going to sleep, but its always like either PKB is at home or we get busy into cooking for dinner for 3 for night & lunch for all of us for next day morning..

There is sometimes indirect pressure from MIL.. like sometimes during on phone from India she asks Pk to wake up PKB on time for night shift. Pk is already tired after day’s work, why she don’t realise that PKB wakes up at 11pm, PK cannot stay awake till 11pm… PK told his mother that he cannot stay awake that long and PKB is now grown up and not a small kid.. he has to take his responsibility..

Sometimes Mil asks what we cooked for lunch / dinner??? If sometimes we cook light dinner she will say, oh!!! why so light dinner today??? If someday we say that we had our dinner already, her first question will be what did PKB ate? Was he at home for dinner or he was at his job.. did he got to eat what we cooked today…He is a grown up, if he does not get to eat at home, he can buy something from outside, how to explain this to her???  It is pressure on me L

PK does not have any problem of PKB living with us neither he craves for privacy like I do… I don’t want to force him to ask PKB to move out with friends. I know PK will be sad if he took this step for my happiness, I know PKB will be sad that his brother asked him to move out to stay with friends, I know MIL & PIL will be unhappy and will be more tensed for PKB.. I know our relatives will talk about me and PK not being able to keep our brother with us… But what about me???? What shout I do?? I want to live without any interference, without any pressure with my PK as we use to live for 2 years after our wedding..  before PKB came here…

Am I being selfish thinking of myself only?? Haven’t we done enough to take care of 22-23 years old young brother to settle in new country?? What if after PKB gets married and then he says that he wants to move out with his wife coz he wants privacy??? I will be torn apart knowing that when I wanted my privacy he behaved as if he does not understand what couple’s privacy is, I wasted my 2 years craving privacy with PK and taking care of his younger brother..

Sorry, don’t think that I am very cruel or rude person at heart, I come from joint family in India where I lived with 22 people in one big house… I was very used to with living only with PK after our wedding.. now I cannot tolerate any interferance.. Am I being very possesive?? Though we all 3 had shared some great moments like going out for dinner, celebrating Birthdays.. going shopping butttt I am very confused..

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8 Responses to On living with B.I.L !!!

  1. Titaxy says:

    hugs. i don’t know what to say. but i hope you find a resolution to this and be at peace. hugs.

  2. MomWithaDot says:

    OMG !!!!! I so relate to what you are going through, though what I experienced is only a tiny bit of what you are going through. Being the younger sister gave me second hand experience to see what’s coming, I guess. Same situation, but I nipped it in the bud and had my hubby convey that this staying together thing doesn’t work. My BIL and MIL still hold it against me , though I don’t really care. It was my hubby that found reasons and discussed this with them, keeping me out of the picture, but you know how Indian households like to blame the ‘bahu’ for everything 😦 Any way, I’d have promptly joined the nearest mental asylum if he hadn’t moved out. Grudges will wane over time, your years in life count more. It is sad that PK doesn’t see the importance of a love nest, for just the two of you. That’s what the initial years of marriage shld be, I agree. As I was reading your post, I was telling you in my mind ,”Get a job out of town and vanish for a few months” Let the boys figure out how they like to live with each other and more importantly let PK decide what is more important for him – providing a cushion for his little brother or his wife’s peace of mind. Providing a cushion is NOT the same as taking care or watching over. Let PKB get another accommodation so he learns to live independently, while you guys can watch over him every week – even fund it if that makes a difference. Try to highlight how living close to his class group is more fun than living at ‘home’. It is so typical of Desi Mom’s in Law – keep the boys well cushioned and protected forever and hand over “raw” material to the bride to work with for the rest of her life. The job suggestion was out of anger, I don’t mean you shld change your life for that twerp. And apologize for the looong comment, (that too on my first visit – sigh!) but these kinds of situations really get me all steamed up ! Work on this girl, I’m sure you’ll work your way out. Don’t for once let yourself think you are being selfish – Some things in life, shouldn’t be compromised upon.

    • First of all welcome here and thanks a lot for your honest opinion, I really appreciate it.
      “Grudges”-this is one thing I am afraid of..Also, I don’t know how to give options to PK of either giving me peace of my mind or providing cushion for his little bro. He once asked me to think of this situation the other way round like what if there was my younger sis living with us and PK reacting the way I am.. Also, the after effects of asking PKB to move out are scary, how to inform MIL & PIL?? This has left me thinking.. now I am really praying that PKB finds new job in some other city, he is looking for new jobs now..

  3. Pepper says:

    Sweetheart, I really think you need to start speaking up. Now. Perhaps it is too hard for you to ask PKB to move out. If you can’t do that, you should try doing milder things.

    – Have open communication with PKB. If he is too immature and childish to realise certain things on his own, you spell it out for him. Tell him you need some privcacy with PK. Some things are meant to be shared only between couples. Your conversations with PK are private and that you do not want to tell PKB all that you were talking about with your husband.

    – Have open communication with your MIL. Tell her PKB needs to grow up, shoulder his own responsibility and look after his own food. If she persists, tell her is a 23 year old adult and he should be capable enough of fending for himself. Let your MIL realise that you aren’t PKB’s mom! You can’t keep treating him as your child. Period.

    – Establish a clear set of rules for PKB to follow in the house. Tell him he can’t touch certain things, he always has to knock before entering a room, he should try the door bell first, before using the house keys, etc.

    – For God’s sake! Stop tagging him along with you, wherever you go. If you took him out with you for Valentines Day, I will say it is your fault. He has a life of his own, he won’t feel excluded if you and PK try to build a life of your own. If he does feel excluded, ignore it.

    – Be open about your feelings with PK. That should give you a good release every now and then.

    Good luck sweets. I really hope you sort this out. Living like that can be toxic. I wish you weren’t so scared of the so called ‘grudges’. I wish you weren’t so scared of your MIL.

    • Pepper, I also feel like speaking up now but as you already said I am scared of my MIL and other people.
      I liked your suggestion for having open communication with PKB. Will surely start this from now onwards.
      Pepper, my MIL is not the one with whom I can have open communication. She is very emotional and if I say just one small thing she assumes 100s of things from that & that assumption of her creates problems in the family every now and then.
      I am really blessed that I have PK’s support on each and every incident that has happened with MIL- you know those saas wants to rule on bahu kind of fights.
      But for this thing, PK wants to keep his family united.
      I am really glad that you understood me, reading your each and every suggestion has brought tears in my eyes but you have made me stronger person today. I really feel that atleast I have someone on my side. Thanks a lot again for your suggestions and understanding my feelings. I will surely let you know if this gets sorted out soon 🙂

  4. Pepper says:

    I hope you got my comment?

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